Did you know that… I KISSED JON BON JOVI? Not a word short of a lie.

My history with Jon goes back, way back. Remember when he looked like this:

And he sounded like this?

I don’t really know what it is about Jon (we’re on a first name basis, I did after all kiss him).  To me he’s the sexiest ugly man alive.  Bad hair, huge overly white teeth, tight leather pants.  I can bypass his minor flaws and just appreciate him for what it is… a rock star who can belt out power ballads like no other.

He has cleaned up in the last two decades.  Still pumping out albums at an astonishing rate, still singing catchy tunes, acting stints on such classics as “Ally McBeal”,  touring and remaining true to his rock and roll roots.  He has five four kids and is still married to his high school sweetheart, Anthea Dorothea. He’s designed the Rock Star stroller.  Tico, the drummer designed it – my bad! My husband wouldn’t let me buy it. Jon’s a solid guy. Perhaps you need to see him in concert to really appreciate his charm and charisma.  There is nothing like having him sing his classics DIRECTLY to me, and point at me while winking “You Give Love.. A Bad Name”.  Me. 50,000  of my middle aged screaming counterparts in the stadium, and he singles me out in the section furthest away from the stage…  and he sings right to me.  And I am the one who kissed him.

This is a guy who was the closing to my wedding speech.  I made a deal with the guests that if I made it through my speech without crying (I am an absolute weeping willow) they would have to dance.  I did it.  They danced.  Old, young, rock fans, some not.  Everybody danced.  It is a moment I will never forget. Um, check out his outfit in this video.

My kiss happened when he looked like this:

The story starts with me sitting in Jon’s hotel room, appreciating his creative brilliance while he strums his guitar and bops his head the way all awesome musicians do.  He looks at his watch and suddenly realizes Richie is waiting so they could have one last practice before tonight’s show.  He slips my VIP pass over my head and pecks me on the head before he leaves.  That should have been my first clue.

I get my hair done, make-up touched up and slip into my new leather (!!) outfit. I arrive at the concert and lavish in his wonderfulness for an entire 120 minutes.  After the show, I am escorted back stage where the BonJovi boys are celebrating a top-notch show. I plop on the couch beside Jon.  He casually placed his hand across my shoulder.  I am in bliss.

I look over and our eyes meet.  He leans in… real slow like in the movies… there is a pause… like in the movies… and our lips lock.  IT IS THE WORST KISS OF MY LIFE.  All those years of worshiping and dreaming and he is like kissing a plank of concrete.

It’s just as well my alarm sounded because I was wide awake anyways and steaming mad.  Absolutely devastated.  Hero worship out the window.  All that sex-appeal on the stage and screen… and a wet fish of a kisser. Bummer.  I hope others have better dreams about him than me.  They’d have to otherwise he wouldn’t sell out all his shows.  Serves me right for dreaming about a rock star.  I’d take him my husband any day over Jon.

As my girlfriends and I anticipate his upcoming tour this summer, know that I will be there… one of 50,000 screaming middle-aged women feeling like he is singing to me personally. But I will be quite smug knowing that his rock star charm is just that.  A dream.  My husband is the real rock star in my life.

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